Here’s mine:
1. My uncle once: taught me how to wash my hair with seaweed.
2. Never in my life: would I tell Madonna I admired her intelligence.
3. When I was five: I went to JC Penny’s to get a ring for my fiancée while I was carrying a brown hand bag and wearing my Mother’s orange moo-moo.
4. High School: was the best time of my life during my freshman year. Then everyone I knew and loved went away to College, and I sunk into a deep depression. I still hang out with some of those people, and I still remind them of the time they abandoned me. Every chance I get.
5. My parents are: deceased. And still telling me what to do.
6. I once met: Sandy Duncan in a crowded restaurant during dinner with my friends, and as she was leaning over the table to say good night, I asked her: “So. Which eye IS it?”
7. There's this girl I know who: is still trying to figure out who she is. In the mean time, she and I have the best time watching trash TV together and helping each other through it all.
8. Once, at a bar: I was introduced to Rick Donovan. He was a porn star in the 70’s, and I almost ended up marrying him. He had an enormous Schvanstucher.
9. Last night: I wrote. And it’s all crap.
10. Next time I go to church: there might not be one left standing.
11. When I turn my head left, I see: our fabulous new couches, the antique Oak hope chest given to us by Molly, and Mitchell’s sad broken stereo.
12. When I turn my head right, I see: the night sky and the Chicago streets below decorated and littered with red and green twinkling Christmas lights. And snow. Did I mention the snow?
13. How many days until my birthday?: Aw jeez, don’t make me add. It’s March 28. Buy presents.
14. If I was a character written by Shakespeare I'd be: Titania, the Queen of the Fairy’s. Shut up. Either that, or Viola, in Twelfth Night. She has an odd, brazen, shyness when she finally falls in love, and she literally doesn’t know what to do with herself. She becomes stuttering and befuddled attempting to keep her composure to the outside world, and yet a serious, quivering mass of insecurities in private.
15. By this time next year: I’d better be fricking warmer.
16. A better name for me would be: Always Late, Always Sorry.
17. I have a hard time understanding: The far Right.
18. If I ever go back to school I: intend to get my degree in Physics.
19. You know I like you if: I invite you into my home for any period of time whatsoever. And then if we watch a movie starring Joan Crawford, or Judy Garland, we’re probably having sex later on.
20. If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: Chrisanne. I don’t think anyone really has any idea what she’s put up with.
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21. Take my advice: Don’t listen to anyone. Ever. About anything. People who call other people up and ask for advice are needing to be heard. There are very few people who don’t have at least an inkling of how they’d like to solve a particular problem. If you are in dire need of advice, collect thoughts and hugs from good friends and family, and then follow your heart. You’re usually right. Trust me.
22. My ideal breakfast is: Big, fluffy, floppy scrambled eggs with melted American cheese over the top. A side of barely cooked bacon, an English muffin dripping with strawberry jam, and a small side of buttery pancakes smothered in hickory syrup. A large cup of coffee, a small milk, and I’m off to the nearest hospital.
23. If you visit my hometown: you will finally see some Black people.
24. Why won't someone: pay all our bills?
25. If you spend the night at my house: I am enamored with you and you will begin to tell me all your secrets..
26. I'd stop my wedding: Sorry. It took us too long to get there. I wouldn’t have stopped my wedding for a Liza Entrance.
27. The world could do without: wombats.
28. I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: tell my friend’s secrets.
29. Paper clips are more useful than: the pencil sharpeners at my grade school that you had to stick the pencil in and hold down really tight and then churn the handle like mad until it made a crunching sound. They were always pasted on a wall near some construction paper or something, and every time I’d find myself falling asleep in class, I’d grab a pencil, break off the tip and walk up and sharpen it. That way, the teacher thought I was really working. Paper clips are more useful sure, but all the old fashioned pencil sharpeners have been replaced with computers.
30. If I do anything well, it is: imitate Katherine Hepburn.
31. And by the way: I have a weird and unnatural fascination with serial killers and cosmo physics.