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I Am Here

When I was little, I thought I was stupid. I come from a family where being Smart means something very specific. It means something huge and I was very aware that I wasn't allowed in that club. My brother was the smart one, I was the artsy one. We had our roles and we played them fully, and then later in our lives, dealt with them in our own, individual ways.

Mine was drugs and sex.

I payed dearly for both of those.

A year ago I was accepted into the Grad program at California State University. I made it through my first year, and now I'm beginning my last. At the end of this year, I'll have my smart papers. I don't know if that'll cure that nasty Parrot on my shoulder constantly squawking at me and screaming about what it is I don't know, and all the things I should have learned, so all I can do is keep going forward. And whether any of this makes me smart isn't really the issue for me anymore. I finally feel a part of something much, much bigger than I ever thought. I'm in the middle of something unknowable, and it's changing me fast. It's adding to me and it's filling me up in a way I never dreamed possible. I am very, very lucky.

I don't care much for the word Smart anymore. It's not a goal of mine. It's not on any of my lists of Things To Do. I feel blessed. I feel curious. And I feel lucky. And that's enough for me.

I'm a student, I'm a teacher, and I'm an actor in this program, and there isn't enough hours in the day. But I know, come the end of my path here, I'll miss it. I'll miss it all. So, this time, this year, I want to be present for absolutely every, single, maniacal, beautiful, insane, gorgeous second of it.

So, if you need me, I'll be in the back pounding out my thesis.

And memorizing stuff.

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
mort_83
Aug. 21st, 2012 06:10 pm (UTC)
Break a leg this year! :-)

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