The Tonys 2007

Having my first week at Steppenwolf behind me, Chrisanne and I readied ourselves for our gally of guests arriving for our mini Tony party. They’ve put us up in a lush apartment in Superior street blocks away from the Magnificent Mile in downtown Chicago on the 11th floor. The apartment is beautiful, and most importantly, the Television is huge. The only problem is that since we’re so high up, and I never smoke in the house, in order for me to feed my addiction, I have to go outside on the porch and light up. And when you suffer from acrophobia as I do, and you have to smoke on the 11th floor with all of Chicago looming beneath you, a seemingly enjoyable habit becomes a living nightmare. I literally crawl along the patio furniture clenching my fists and grinding my teeth certain that at any minute I’ll go tumbling down to the earth like Stella Stevens in “The Poseiden Adventure.”

Mitchell, his friend Abby, Eric Holt, Eric McCool (otherwise known collectively as The Erics) and Kathy arrived a bit early so we could all sit and chat before the bulk of the evening began.

I had obsessively searched the internet for a live feed of the red carpet so I could maybe catch a glimpse of Chita, Rita or Tommy Tune hiking up his skirt as he exited his limo. Luckily, I found it on the Tony site and let the computer run as we gathered all the food everyone brought with them, and spread the two pizzas and barbqued ribs out on the kitchen counter. This was a serve yourself evening. I wasn’t about to miss a show tune because someone didn’t get enough potato salad. You’re on your own, kid.

Sitting around the dip brought and made by Kathy that we all swore has some kind of crack cocaine base to it, as the chatter and the humming of the evening reached a high gay pitch, the end of 60 Minutes had us pumping our fists in anger as we awaited the arrival of Broadway’s biggest night. Off went the computer, and on went the giant screen TV. God Bless the Steppenwolf.

Here are my highlights:




*Someone slathered Christina Applegate in oil and vinegar. She looked gorgeous, and really, really wet.



*“GET UP, DAMMIT! GET UP!”
-Chrisanne to the audience as they sat on their hands when Angela Landsbury presented the first award of the night.



*Billy Cruddup won for “Coast of Utopia”. Best Featured Actor in a play:

“I’d like to thank the woman who came up to me backstage and congratulated me on having the courage to wear fat padding on my butt. It’s always nice to be recognized for the little nuances in creating a character.”



*I’m now officially angry at Bernadette Peters. Listen, she’s a huge talent, She does it all. She acts, she’s got a film career, and she’s a legend on Broadway. Can someone please get a comb through that rat’s nest of a hair do? I’m sick of it. Sick and tired.



*Having a Tonys Virgin in the room was a treat. This was the first time Kathy had ever seen the show before and she asked some great questions. The thing that bewildered her was why there were so many mediocre movies being made into hit Broadway shows.

“Can’t they think of new ideas for stuff? What’s that about anyway?”

Good question Kath’.



*Vanessa Williams’ new face has left her unable to blink.



*The reaction from the crowd as John Gallager won for Best Featured Actor in a musical; “Spring Awakening”. To watch someone that surprised and that grateful was palatable. And the audience reacted by standing on their feet and cheering.


*Carla Guigino now looks like Charlize Theron. That’s too confusing. Get your own face.



*There are singers who sing a song and something happens. The floor moves or the walls shake or the lights suddenly turn off for no reason. And when Fantasia sang her show stopping song from “The Color Purple” all of that happened and more. These young American Idol contestants yelping for cheese like they’re 10 city blocks apart from each other could learn a thing or three.



*Don’t ever start your sentence with “When I played the role of….” If you ever have to say “When I played the role of…” you should never have played the role in the first place.



*Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs are the Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie of Broadway. Pretty always marries pretty. Unless you’re Julia Roberts and have a momentary loss of sanity and marry Lyle Lovett’s head.


*Donny Osmond was a presenter and looked great in his tux. But the only thing I wanted him to do was break out into a chorus of “I’m a Little Bit Country.”



*It’s about time someone gave an award to Mary Louise Wilson. Winner of the best speech of the night:

“When I used to dream about winning something like this, I always wondered if in fact I’d feel like I didn’t deserve it. And.....I don’t.”


*Doogie Howser MD is a gay dream boat.



*Did Bebe Newirth graduate from the Tina Turner School of Voice?



*As Philicia Raschad walked out in a gigantic floral moo-moo Mitchell stated:

“I’m sorry. I’m going to have to punch her in the head.”



*Eddie Izzard should present every award at every award show for every person waiting to get an award.



*As Jay Johnson picked up his deserved award for Special Event, a woman in a skin tight teal disco dress appeared off to the side of him, and Kathy whispered:

“Oh good. He brought his prostitute.”

To which Mitchell added about her hair:

“…and her poodle.”



*We also collectively decided that Sally Field is so good in her commercial for Boniva, that even though none of us know what the stuff does, we all need to be on it.



*Doug and Sandra, the oldest people on the planet earth, were squished by a giant chandelier in the middle of their usual “here’s how the voting thing works”, and then replaced by John Mahoney and Jane Krakowski from off stage. Unfortunately, the bit fell a little flat and as Mahoney exited the stage, the censors were a little slow on the censor button and left in his muttering “God Damn”. Someone’s fired. I’m sure of it.



*”Dear Marg Helgenberg, Jennifer Lopez called, she wants her wind machine back.”
-Mitchell Fain



*”Patty Lupone showered, jumped in a dress, forgot to wipe her deodorant stains off, and then shook her head dry in the alley. Someone put a stop to her. Please.”
-Eric Holt



*Ben Vereen is Usher’s Godfather? What the hell kind of sense does that make? And when Usher thanked him for appearing in “Pippin” I think I had a slight stroke.



*Judd Hirsh wore sunglasses as he and Marcia Gay Harden announced the awards for Best Play. I wasn’t aware that they lifted the sun roof off of the theatre.



*The upset of the night was definitely Julie White for Best Actress in a play. She beat out Angels Landsbury, Swoozie Kurtz and heavy weight Vanessa Redgrave. No one was more surprised than she was. “I can’t feel my hands! Is that a bad thing?!”



*Anne Heche and John Turturro presented Best Featured Actor in a play. It was crazy times two.



*Frank Langella is an actor who gets it. He understands you don’t have to thank everyone in the world in order to thank them. His speech was eloquent and moving. About theatre and what it means and what it does to us all. About being grateful. About saying thank you to everyone and about what it means to tell a story and truly, truly how lucky we are to be actors and do what we do. That it’s not about a contest really or who wins and who doesn’t. It summed up the evening for me, and said what all of us really want to say but never seem to be able to. That what we do is a blessing, and there’s really no way to honestly say thank you.


…and thus ended our fabulous night. With the Crack Dip gone and our voices exhausted from screeching, and Chrisanne passed out in the bedroom we said our goodbyes and I was left to clean up the pizza sauce on the couch. It was a great night, and I can’t wait until next year. Hopefully with the same group in the same apartment in the same city.

…on a lower floor.